I have been working all summer on my new diagnosis which is Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short. The diagnosis came as a shock at first but then with more research it made a lot of sense. Another research project I have been working on is people in the same field I want to go into or similar fields with a mental illness. Needless to say, I found several lists with many familiar names on them. (List of names to come later, maybe) Having a mental illness is scary, it is isolating, it is lonely. If you tell people you have a mental illness they either want to fix you or tell you that it is all in your head and if you just prayed and smiled more it would be all okay. Um nope, that is not how it works. A mental illness is a collaboration of different elements that are wonky in your brain and body. We are not making this up. Do you really think I want to go around and brag that I have a personality disorder? No. I do not. I even hesitated to mention on here because telling the world is a risky business even if only one or two people read this. I am not broken. My brain and body just need to be repaired a little. I need to relearn or learn for the first time how to deal with people, conflict and most of all how to articulate what I want and what I need. I started and finished the workbook Dialectal Behavior Therapy (DBT). This has helped a lot. I have a long way to go but I am learning. It is a scary world out there. Beware.
Today has been an excellent day to get things done. I was up early paid bills, went to class, went to Target to pick up ingredients for Lentil Soup. I came home drank coffee, put the soup in the crockpot, updated stuff on the blog, made salmon patties in the oven and mashed potatoes and greens beans for dinner. Holy Cow!.. when you have good days you utilize them to the fullest. I am now drinking tea blogging and transcribing interviews for class.
There are times when the good days balance the bad days or even overcome them completely. I treasure the good days. I FEEL GREAT and I want to SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOP; however, since I am not a fan of climbing ladders I will just shout it here.
Life is good and you and I are enough. Happy Wednesday.
The problem of fighting the blue days is that I have more blue days than not, but I struggle on each and every day. Some days I win, I get a lot done. I go out of my house dressed and not in my pj's. When the dark days come I stay home for days at a time. I do not shower or get out of my Pj's the blue days are real. But they can get fewer and far between.
I read a post somewhere about Eyore. No matter how blue he got, his friends still included him in all their activities. They were not deterred that he was down. They accepted him for who he was battle scars and all.
I guess I would remind you and my self that no matter what happens to be there for your friend. Check on them, encourage them, invite them whether they come or not, because one day they will go and it will be the best day ever.
Mental illness has received a lot of bad press throughout the years. It is for the first time, acceptable to say, "hey you know what, I have a mental illness," but I am not my mental illness. I am sharing my story to let others know, they are not alone, and I too can be brave. There are different types of mental illness; some of them are as follows: ADD ADHD AUTISM DEPRESSION ANXIETY SCITZOPHRINA BIPOLAR EATING DISORDERS PERSONALITY DISORDERS ETC This is not a full list, but it will give you an idea of what can be classified as a mental illness. The guidelines are followed by the DSM-which is this huge book all about the characters of an illness. I am going to be a high school teacher. I was a fifth-grade teacher. I am currently a daughter, a friend, and a grad student with a 3.6 GPA. I just happen to have depression, major anxiety, and BPD. There are some fantastic people in this world you have a mental illness. Those of us with a mental illness do not want to shoot people or hurt others. It is quite the opposite. We feel guilty when we let others down. We strive for perfection, and we want to please our family, friends, co-workers, and boss to the point we lose sleep. It is not easy to satisfy, so instead of hurting others, we hurt ourselves. We either self-harm or restrict our eating or exercise until we want to collapse because we think we are not good enough. I tell my story because I have study others who were brave to tell their story. I want others to understand that there is a reason I react or stare or lash out in anger. I will be a great English teacher and be an advocate for my students no matter who they are or what they may have. They, like me, just want others to love them the way they are.
The most common type of therapy is CBT which stands for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. The basic outcome for CBT is changing the way you process life. This is my definition or interpretation of this can of therapy. As I mentioned in the last blog, Kati Morton has a video on CBT which I will link below.
Now that we know mostly what kind of therapy the therapist or counselor will be using, you call and make your first appointment. However, since your anxiety is through the roof and you are pacing as it is, what will happen on the first appointment with this stranger you have never met. Well Kati has a video on this too.
Being diagnosed with a mental illness is a blessing and a curse. The diagnoses come when you are at your lowest and thinking you are going crazy. For me, I could not function with day to day tasks. I did not want to leave my house or my bed for days on end.
When I was in Philly, with the prompting of a friend, I went to see my doctor. I told her that I am not sure what is going to on with me or why I feel the way I do, but I feel like a pinball machine. If I do not get some help, I am going to tilt. Well, the good news is that she listened to me, the bad news is that the solution to anxiety and depression is medication. I was prescribed my first set of meds in 2009, in which was a blessing. For the first time in months, I felt normal.
The second solution is therapy, talk therapy. The most common type of treatment is Cognitive Behavior Therapy, CBT for short. You find a therapist, and you sit and talk about what is going on, and then they ask you a bunch of questions such as, How can you choose a different path next time? My favorite, How does that make you feel? (sarcasm included). The trick to therapy is finding the fit for both you and your pocketbook. Therapy is expensive and not always covered under insurance. The same applies with meds, but I will touch on that later.
Chicago IL 2010 Bob Newhart from The Newhart Show character Dick Louden
I have been in and out of therapy since 2009. I have stopped and started because of money, location, transportation issues and mostly because I did not like the person. The most important thing you can do when it comes to therapy is your homework. Research local therapist, ask your GP if they work with a mental health agency also ask your insurance company. I know this is scary and it is terrifying. You have just been told you have a mental illness and now you have to figure out what to do next. You have to figure out the questions to ask to get the right treatment, and you cannot even get out of bed.
The beginning is tough, but it does get better. I was blessed to be in a community of people who knew people. My criteria for a looking for a therapist at the beginning was are they of faith. However, this did not matter as much down the road. My current therapist that I see is the longest one
I have seen. I have been doing research on my mental illness for years. I have come across some excellent YouTube videos that have helped me. One person, in particular, is Kati Morton. She has videos for everything mental health related. I know I have not covered everything for the beginning of your diagnosis and this post is getting really long so I will leave you with a link to Kati's video that help explains the origin a lot better than I can. The journey to mental wellness has begun. I wish you well on your journey.
Cheers
Rachel
The one aspect of having a mental illness is that a therapist or coach or whomever you will see or speak with will tell you, "You need to find new coping skills." In full disclosure, I am not good at this at all being at this moment that I am writing this blog post, I am slamming down mini Hershey chocolate bars. I had an interesting night at work. Nonetheless, I am learning to use new coping skills to help me in times of stress, anger or just being down. I have looked up coping skills, and I have found some helpful ones. For me, writing my feelings down on paper has helped, talking and being open for the first time to others about my cutting has kept me grounded this past year.
The thing is coping skills that I (we) have had in the past probably have gotten us into trouble. For example, binge eating, cutting, drugs or alcohol. These are coping mechanism or things we use to make the anger, pain or hurt we feel inside go away. The issue with these, they do not add to our well being nor do they help take the pain away nor do they help us deal with our emotions. I am learning this alongside everyone else. There are times that I get so angry I just want to punch someone. There are times that I hurt so much that I just want to cut the heck out of my arm. Does this make me feel better? Yes, but only for a moment, then I am back to hurting all over again, I have dealt with nothing. The bottom line is that all of this healing process and reprograming your mind takes time.
I found a list of coping skills I will attach it below in a link below. This is one of many lists available online.
In the meantime, breath in, breathe out and remember you are enough.
